Dear Sadistic Pilates Instructor,

Listen, bitch, I hate you and your toned physique. Your shoulders are so muscular that you look like a dude, Serena Williams, and just because you CAN count to 10 then backwards to 1 again several times in a row without taking a breath does not mean that you SHOULD. Also, an hour is 60 minutes, not 70. Maybe next week you'll wrap it up when you notice the impatient aerobics class attendees peering through cupped palms at the glass doors, gawking at our sweaty, prone asses.

Oh, and one last thing: you SUCK. I want to punch you in the face.

See ya next week!

Sincerely,

The seal-like human flopping gamely around in the 2nd to last row. Well, the one wearing the purple top, that is.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~




Yes, folks, after many months of doing no more exercise than leisurely walking (to my car) and raising the TV remote, I decided that today would be a great day to hit the gym with a vengeance. Truth be told, I decided that last week was a great time to go back to the gym, but... let's just say that my gym bag decided to just take a nice ride in the car for a few days instead. I think it really enjoyed itself, and I gave myself points for even getting it packed up and into the car. Go, me!



I honestly thought about walking out of the class when I noticed that we'd only been crunching and reaching and balancing on our butt bones for 30 minutes and I was already sore and sweaty. When she started with the "planks," which are like Jack Palance one-armed army push-ups, I came close to blurting out, "Oh HELL NO," and slinking out the door. However, being in an all-mirrored room reminds you of why you are there in the first place, so I stuck with it.

I am happy to report that I made it through the entire class without crying.

Later, in the locker room, I attempted to collect my belongings and slither out the door before the stiffness overtook my limbs, but the (bitch slut whore!) instructor held court and said that we'd all start seeing "real body results in just 30 classes." THIRTY FUCKING CLASSES? 3-0? Goddamn it, woman! Lie to me and tell me it's three weeks to a hard body! Since I'm only planning on going to class once a week, that's a really long time to wait for results! Sonofa....

Anyway, now that the gym staff knows I'm not dead, I will try to go a few times a week. But I've said this before, and we all know how that worked out. I'll keep ya posted, though if I never mention the gym again, you'll know I've fallen off the wagon and am presently stuffing myself with wine and chips & salsa while watching Project Runway and criticizing those heifers they call models. That is exactly how I waddle.

Dear Indian Guy in the office next to mine,

Your lunch stinks. Not just a little bit, but a really really lot.

Now, I like Indian food a bunch, but that... well, whatever that is doesn't even smell edible. It's so bad, that when you ate it on Friday I thought it was the smell of my boss burping up something disgusting, and Joe even came out and asked me what that smell was. Then, we sprayed room spray and laughed about how gross my boss was for burping up disgusting food in my presence.

Now, I feel badly for thinking it was him, because he's not here, but you are. And the stench keeps getting stronger and stronger. And I think I might die from the smell of it, so I can't imagine that it is doing your insides any good by ingesting it.

I only say this because I care. Well, I care about the fact that I'm breathing in something completely rank and vile, but still. This is me, caring.

oxoxo,
Bev

Notes to self

MEMO 1/26/09

TO: Bev's Bod
FROM: Bev's Brain
RE: What condition your condition is in.

It has come to our attention that your pants have grown snug and your double chin has come out to play. We've also noticed that you're drinking a lot of BEER lately, and we can't help but think these two items are related. It cannot be a coincidence that your daily beer consumption went up right around the time the little line on the scale went up.

We are demanding that you cease and desist with this self-destructive behavior immediately. Please, think of the clingy dress you need to squeeze into for that big family wedding in two weeks. Also, remember that there will be pictures taken that weekend. Lots of pictures, from all angles, most of which you will not be aware are being taken.

Thank you,
The Management
_____________________________________________

MEMO 1/27/09

TO: Bev's Brain
FROM: Bev's Bod
RE: Fine.

Okay, you have a point about the beer. I stopped drinking beer a week ago because I, too, noticed the bloat. Beer guts are hardly attractive. I get it. But I'm still drinking wine on the weekends, so suck it.
_____________________________________________

MEMO 1/28/09

TO: Bev's Bod
FROM: Bev's Brain
RE: Have you forgotten something?

What about the tub of cookie dough in the fridge? The one you purchased for Danny's cookie swap? The one you keep sneaking spoonfuls out of?
_____________________________________________

MEMO 1/30/09

TO: Bev's Brain
FROM: Bev's Bod
RE: You suck

Eff it, I'm just gonna buy some Spanx. Beer I can give up, but cookies, well, cookies are a dealbreaker. And it's not like I eat them every day. I can stop anytime I want. Honest!