Facebook Pet Peeves: my brutal truths

Facebook is a funny place. I love it, I really do, but occasionally there are certain friends who fall into a behavioral rut of sorts. They're perfectly nice people (would I be friends with them if they weren't? Hell no!) but sometimes Facebook fails happen to the best of us.

I think we've all made the "vaguebook" mistake of posting a status report that subtly begs your friends to ask you to explain it. You know, like, "Beverly wishes today weren't so hard." The sole purpose of saying something like that is to get people to ask, "Why is today hard? What's wrong?" The best (read: worst) part about that kind of status is usually when people do take the bait, the vaguebooker will reply, "I can't talk about it."

WHA?

Vaguebooking is annoying and self-gratifying, as are most of my F-book pet peeves. CNN had a great article that sums up a lot of these folks perfectly, and my favorite funny Facebook peeves list comes from The Oatmeal, with their illustrated "How to suck at Facebook" list.    This one is my favorite:

Of course I have my own list, and it's kind of harsh.  As you read it please keep in mind that I am fully aware that I am no better than you at Facebooking and I know I've been guilty of some of these things myself.  I'm just calling 'em out because hey, it's my blog, and I can.  Bring on the brutal honesty!

The Sad Sack

When the Sad Sack is happy you don't hear much from her, but when she's sad expect hourly updates about how much the world sucks and how hard it is to be her. Sure, we all get the blues sometimes, but frankly the "woe is me" bit gets old. First law of Facebook Club: not every thought needs to be shared.

The over-sharer

* Is my poo supposed to be this color?

* I don't want to go to the doctor so I'm gonna list out all of my symptoms here and let you guys diagnose me.  Cool?

* I can pick stuff up with my twat!

* Got so drunk last night that when I barfed I peed myself!


We don't care, we don't want to know, and we don't need those visual images in our heads.  STFU!

The braggart

What she says:

"Ran a marathon this morning, then brokered a million dollar deal at work.  Now I'm baking a cake from scratch for my hot, wealthy husband while wearing nothing but high heels and an apron!"

What she doesn't say:

"I'm so insecure that I need to pretend to be perfect so people won't notice my debilitating lack of self-esteem."

The Zen philosophers

Every status report is about how enlightened they are and how gorgeous the universe is.  Yes, we get it - you're deep.

There's no getting to know these folks, sadly, because they don't ever offer you a glimpse into their lives.  It's not like we want constant updates ("I just ate a bagel!"), but spouting off cliches about how to live a better life helps no one and makes the rest of us feel like idiots for still thinking farts are funny.

All lyrics, all the time

All the cops in the donut shop say....

Sometimes these can be fun.  Personally, I like to throw out half a quote and ask people to finish it, because I have some funny friends and their responses amuse me.  However, I've got a few friends who only post quotes and they're always random and nonsensical; they sound like half of a Dr. Seuss poem or something.  I don't get it and neither do 90% of the people on your friends list.  Quit it.

The passive-aggressive type

They're talking to someone on their friends list, that much is clear, but they don't come right out and SAY they're upset with them.  They say things like, "I'm so grateful for my REAL friends who stand by me!"  These statements are designed to let you know that yes, you suck, and no, you're not a real friend if you don't know what she's talking about.

Get on that, will ya?  What's wrong with you?

WTF are they talking about?

I have one friend who comments now and then and never makes a lick of sense. It's as if he's been having a conversation that only he can hear, and now he's responding to something you said in his mind.

Since I'm not psychic OR a code cracker, I usually just ignore these comments only to have him say to me later, "Why don't you ever respond to my comments?"

Uuuuummm.

The shmoopy love birds

John Mayer: the face of Schmaltz

They just love to shout their undying love for one another from the rooftops, resulting in copious schmaltzy declarations about how perfect they are for one another, how handsome/beautiful the other one is, and how their union is better than anyone else's. Not only are these stomach-turning declarations irritating, but it leads friends to wonder if the lady doth protest too much. Sometimes it's the people who feel the need to gush who have the most to hide, perhaps even from themselves.

So sayeth Therapist Bev.

 Oh, extra dillweed points for people who sit in the same room and gush about each other on separate computers. Just shoot me in the goddamn head and get it over with.


Okay, hopefully I haven't alienated too many people with my frankness.

Now it's your turn -- what's your biggest Facebook pet peeve?

Truthful Tuesday

Two questions! I'll ask, you answer. Heck, I'll answer them too because I'm cool like 'dat, and because it's Truthful Tuesday and I've taken my dose of Veritaserum*.

1. What's the cheesiest, most embarrassing movie that you secretly (or not-so-secretly) love?

For me, it's Under the Tuscan Sun.

"While on vacation, a just-divorced writer buys a villa in Tuscany on a whim, hoping it will be the start of a change for the better in her life."

*sigh* It's just a fun movie in which a beautiful but sad divorcee (played by the ageless Diane Lane) moves to Italy in an effort to get her groove back. I love everything about this movie. It's smart, funny, poignant, and even has a soupcon of culture.

2. Have you ever stolen anything? I promise not to report you. Ok, let's assume we've all stolen something. What was the first thing you ever stole, and why?

The first time I ever stole anything was by accident. No, really! I was probably 8 years old and my family had just gone out to dinner at a place called The Happy Hour. My dad was paying at the counter, and there was a bowl full of free mints next to an open box of cigars. Being eight, and evidently a little clueless, I deduced that the cigars must be free as well, since they were next to the mints. So I took one, but I was stealthy about it.

Why did I take it, and why was I so sneaky about it?

Because I thought it would be hilarious to pop up from the back seat of our car with a cigar in my mouth and say, "Hey! Anybody got a light?"

Which is exactly what I did when we got back in the car. Only instead of expressions of amused delight from my parents and sister, I got looks of shock and supreme irritation. Well, that's not entirely true - my older sister was laughing her ass off, if I remember correctly. Anyway, it was then that my parents explained that no, the cigars were not free, and yes, I had to trot my butt back into the restaurant, apologize for being a filthy cigar-thieving brat, and give it back. In a sort of sublime twist of fate, they made my sister go in with me. Heh.

There it is. Please tell me your answers, and be TRUTHFUL!

* Shameless nerdy Harry Potter reference. Sorry.

Truthful Tuesday

Confession: I've been toying with the idea of participating in that 365 photo challenge over at Envisage 365. I like the premise, and you all know I'm a big fan of taking pictures, even though I am by no means a photographer. I have no aspirations or drive to do anything more than futz around and take pics of whatever happens to catch my fancy.

I figure, I can definitely commit to taking a picture every day, and I love looking at the images captured by the other 30-some women on that blog. With one rather notable exception. Last night I was curled up on the couch, idly glancing through the new blog posts on my Blogger dashboard, when one image from the Envisage website caught my attention. I'm not going to go into details about what it was, because frankly, I might need therapy to acquire some new coping mechanisms after viewing it. When I saw it, I made such a loud sound of protest that my husband poked his head in from the kitchen to see what the problem was. I let him read the description of the photo, but didn't want to traumatize him with the image without his consent. Of course he wanted to see it, and he was probably even more grossed out than I was.

Seriously, go to the site and see if you can tell which photo made me want to gauge out my own eyeballs. If you dare.

Confession: I like the Britney Spears song "Circus." A LOT.

Confession: I've got some wanderlust going on. I have always been a planner; I like having things on my calendar to look forward to, so I tend to set dates for fun events way in advance. I just went to NYC, and now I'm already eyeing the calendar to see when we can sneak away again. I've got some fun things on the agenda so far, but nothing carved in stone just yet.

Confession: Speaking of wanderlust, I have been thinking of planning a big family vacation for this winter. My husband is an avid skier, but I am not a huge winter fan. Yes, I live in New England, where winter lasts from December till April; the irony is not lost on me. This year I've made him promise that we can escape somewhere warm for February vacation. The only problem is that when I start to envision us schlepping our whole family onto an airplane and into hotel rooms, etc, I break out in a cold sweat. It's hard to travel with kids! My youngest will be two when we go, and two-year-olds are kind of tough when you're outside of your comfort zone.


When Danny was the same age, we took him to the Florida Keys and it nearly killed us. It's just not relaxing when you have to chase a kid from Miami to Key West, ya know? In fact, the most peaceful afternoon we had was when we had to give him a minuscule dose of Dramamine because he got seasick on the glass bottom boat. He passed out and Jim and I had a great day. Since drugging your children is frowned-upon, I don't think that's necessarily the answer.

So, the thought of doing a big trip with a tyrannical spirited 6-year-old and a very busy 2-year-old is daunting... but I really want a break from winter. It's a tough call.

Confession: I'm thinking of printing up a t-shirt that says, "This is going on the blog!" Lately I find myself saying that a lot, and a t-shirt would be such a time-saver! I could just smile knowingly and point at my chest, then nod. You know what time it is.

That's all I got. Well, that's all I'm spilling today, anyway. I know, it was nothing juicy, but whatev.

Truthful Tuesday

AKA: It's my blog and I'll rant if I want to.

I came back to work today, and am regretting that decision. My boss hasn't darkened the doorstep yet, but I'm dreading the moment he does. He'll be nice and all, but he's just so self-involved that it's bound to be one of these conversations:

Boss: "I'm so sorry about your dad. Are you ok?"
Me: "Thanks. I'm doing ok. Not great, but ok."
Boss: "When my wife's father died... blah blah blah, lots of redundant crap that's supposed to somehow make me feel sorry for his wife for her loss a YEAR ago."
Me: "Yes, that's very sad. I remember. How's she doing now?"
Boss: "She's alright. She still gets sad... more stupid annoying tripe about himself and their coping mechanisms from the death of an 86-yr-old man a YEAR ago."
Me: nodding sympathetically and making low sounds of consolation.
Boss: "So anyway, about those TPS reports...."

*SIGH*

So far the rest of the office is leaving me alone, thank goodness, but I'm sure that won't last. I'm just glad my crazy cat-lady coworker isn't in today, because all she will do is blab for five straight hours about every person she's ever known who has died, EVER. Because that is exactly how she rolls. Jerk Store! I might just snap and kill the bitch. It's been 6 years of listening to that harpy drone on and on and on, and this might just be the event that snaps my patience in two!

On a funny note, a friend of mine recently suggested that I get an air horn and give her a good blast whenever she starts up. HAHAHAHA! I think that's an excellent idea, but she is old, and I don't want to kill her, just shut her up. Still... I might consider it.

UPDATE: While I was writing this, boss came in, and the conversation went exactly as I had predicted. HA! I rule! Also, I was just thinking that I was a teeny bit peeved that no one from the office bothered to send me a card or some damn flowers, and Boss tells me that he and his wife are having a tree planted in Israel for me. Um, thanks. That's very... thoughtful, I guess. Whatever, dude.

Ok, more truths.... Things that have bummed me out this week:
Ads for Father's Day
My father's empty chair at the lunch table
Mala's woes... I will be busting some skulls if need be. Trust.
Being forced to shop yesterday for clothes to wear to this big family wedding we have this week.

Oh yeah, that's another thing. Jim's brother is getting hitched on Saturday. I LOVE this BIL, love him silly, and I love his bride-to-be (BTB). But, do I feel like schlepping my entire family onto a plane to Philly on Thursday, getting us all looking halfway decent, and putting on a smiley face for the entire group of in-laws and BTB's family all weekend long? HELL to the muthafuckin' NO.

Things that have made me happy this week:
My friends are awesome
Online chats
Plans for future fun
Getting mobile web for my phone (it's the little things)

One last bit of truth for now: My boss is sitting at crazy coworker's desk today for no good reason. He does this now and then, and it pisses me OFF. I mean, the man's got a perfectly good office, yet he sits 4 feet away from me? He's not even working, he's looking at CNN and ESPN. Goddamn it!

I VANT TO BE ALONE!

Ok, anyway. That's what's new today. Aren't you glad you checked my blog? Ha ha... sigh. Ha.