Tinsletown: The Unrated Version!

Helloooooooooo!

I know you're probably surprised to see me here on a Saturday, but frankly I haven't felt up to documenting my trip out west until now. I've been kind of time-zoned-out, if you know what I'm saying! Mala and I didn't adjust well this time; neither of us slept very well or very much the whole trip, and it hasn't improved much for me this week. It's highly unusual for me--I love my sleep!

We had a great time! The trip was filled with new experiences, and I do love those. I got patted-down not once but twice, for instance, once by the LAPD and once by the TSA. The airport agent was actually a pretty attractive Asian woman. Bow chicka wow wow!

Ha ha, I keed, I keed. Anyway, Mala wrote a hilarious recap on her blog, but I'll fill in the naughty bits that she was too polite to include. :D

If you read my post from the other day, you're already up to speed on our night out at a burlesque show with Maeghan and subsequent awful hangover.

The Cake Balls turned out to be outstanding.

Plus we met Tony Danza this guy. I don't know why, but I felt an instant connection with him!

The next day was a blur, but we did go have some amazing Thai food for lunch and then did a little light shopping.

Decisions, decisions....

Fist bump?

California is so cool. This store (with the awesome name) is located right next door in the strip mall to this shop:

Thai food, head/sex shop, and medical marijuana depositary: talk about a one-stop-shop!

Oh, and check out this Photoshop Disaster we spotted in a store window:

Take me to your leader

Then we walked back to our hotel via Hollywood Blvd's Walk of Fame.

The Dude abides

The next day we went on one of those cheesy Hollywood tours, and it turned out to be quite a good time! We met a nice Australian fellow and spent most of the day chatting with him. As you can see, he and Mala really hit it off:


Our tour guides took us way up close to the Hollywood sign and to an amazing scenic overlook. It was at that rest stop that I took what turned out to be the only usable "vlog" entry of the entire trip! Here it is -- make sure you wait for the surprise toward the end!



It was fun to see some local landmarks and learn more about the city of L.A. & Hollywood legends.

Rodeo Drive

Now, this is the story all about how My life got flipped-turned upside down And I'd like to take a minute Just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

The famed "Pink Palace"

90210, yo

Robert Smith, Robert Smith!

The hotel where Janis Joplin died.

Food porn at Bar Marmont. What we thought were the best marinated mushroom caps we'd ever tasted turned out to be artichoke caps! Weird... but delicious!

On Tuesday we went to Venice Beach, which was... an experience. Basically it's a lawless stretch of boardwalk next to an amazing beach that seems to be entirely ruled by homeless people, drug dealers, and homeless drug dealers.



I didn't know that before we went; I assumed it would be similar to the family-friendly Jersey shore boardwalk I'd frequented as a child. Ummm, no. So I wore my new souvenir t-shirt, which turned out to be a BIG mistake:

Note to self: next time you go to "the 'hood," don't wear a bright red shirt with words across the chest. It's like giving all skeevy passers-by a written invitation to cat-call and stare at the boobage! It got... a little embarrassing. Luckily, I don't embarrass all that easily. ;)

That night, Mala's friend, He Who Shall Not Be Named (he's a private guy) hooked us up BIG TIME. Voldemort toils as an under-appreciated writer/director in show business and knows some famous folks. He also happens to be writing a new TV series with this guy, who happened to be performing a magic act at the ultra-exclusive Magic Castle. Most plebes like us never get into that place; you have to either be a member or be invited by a member... or in our case, be invited by a friend of a friend who was performing there. And they didn't make us enter through the kitchen or anything! :)

After rushing around in awful traffic all afternoon to get Mala outfitted (THIS Cosmo girl never travels without her cocktail dress and painful heels, naturally), we were finally ready to walk (yes, walk... our hotel was close to everything!) to the Castle. I am not gonna lie to you guys, I was a nervous wreck.

You see, I love celebrities... but I really don't have too much desire to meet them. Plus, I didn't know what to expect at all, and somewhere in the back of my mind I worried that our invitation to this shee-shee place was some kind of evil Dinner For Schmucks prank.

I'd like to say that I was put at ease the moment I walked in the door, but actually the opposite is true. As soon as I walked in the first person I saw happened to be a certain Oscar winner (hint: he won for playing a killer with a bowl cut), and immediately all of the blood drained from my face and I thought I might faint.

No, seriously.

Mala was concerned that I was having some sort of medical emergency! In a daze, I watched as someone muttered the secret word to make a bookcase swing open, revealing a dimly-lit bar filled with beautiful, beautiful people.

Ahoy, Polloi! I was shaking like a leaf. Mala lead me to the bar and I had a medicinal belt of Cabernet, and I finally got my head together! The place was like a who's who of B-listers; lots of soap stars that we recognized but whose names we didn't know. Lots of publicist-types. Lots of guys like this:
One guy who looked exactly like this:


Another guy playing poker who looked suspiciously like this:



It was seriously awesome. The magic shows were fun and entertaining, and I even got picked to be a part of one of the card tricks! I had to talk in front of all those people... and of course I dropped a suggestive joke... because I apparently can't help myself. *face palm*

The mansion itself was amazing -- it's the place Disney's Haunted Mansion was based on; the ride at Disney is designed after it. Inside it's a maze of stairways, rooms, a restaurant, and little theatres tucked away in corners. Oh, and bars... a bar outside of every theatre. I like the way these Hollywood types party!

We behaved ourselves, though, and didn't take a single pic (per their strict no cameras policy).

It. was. awesome!

And then it took 11 hours to get home. The End. ;)

Any questions?

Live from the Loading Dock!

Hey there, my beautiful BOOBHs! How the heck are ya?

Okay, so I'm watching the Oscars right now... in a hotel room that's roughly 500 yards from the actual ceremony. And yes, that's as close as I am getting tonight!


Earlier today we enjoyed endured a pat-down by LAPD's finest just to get across the street from where the stars were getting out of their limos. We stood in a crowd foreign tourists for a while but couldn't see shit! People were just extending their cameras over their heads like periscopes, taking pictures and just hoping to catch something. Finally decided we'd rather go watch E! so we could at least see all the pretty dresses. :)

Our hotel is incredibly, ridiculously close to the ceremony! We've been watching them move giant potted plants, food, equipment, etc. into the theater for two days.

We haven't had a lot of luck seeing celebs yet, but each day is a new day here in Hollywood! We're just having a wonderful time. Yesterday we had lunch with the lovely Melissa, then we went shopping. Note to self: don't have two glasses of wine before shopping because suddenly dropping $130 in the Lucky store on two cotton shirts seems like a totally normal thing to do.

Last night we did it UP! We went to that burlesque show at a nightclub and got waaaay silly. I swear we laughed for 6 hours straight! Everyone we talked to-even the cab driver on the way there-was such a character! We took three turns in the photo booth and got some hilariously silly pics, and by the end of the night Maeghan and I were carrying Mala around like the two guys from Weekend at Bernie's. At one point Maeghan went to the bathroom and I found myself controlling Mala's limbs in time to the song "Stayin' Alive." Good times!

The photobomber MAKES this shot!

This morning, however... not such good times. Oy. It took us half the day to feel like doing anything other than groan, but once we got out into the beautiful, cool, sunny California weather, we felt better. Seriously, it's so pretty here, and even though it is cooler than usual, I am loving the weather. We had some yummy Thai for lunch and scoped out the hullabaloo on Hollywood Boulevard, and now here we sit... watching the Oscars on TV and writing to you. My buds.

Speaking of that, you didn't think I'd go to a Hollywood burlesque show and not bring you something back, did you? Sorry it's shaky, but after that many Absolut Mandarin & Sprites, you're lucky it recorded at all.



You're welcome!

Hey, FYI -- I've got a new article coming out on Oddee tomorrow (Monday)! Check it out if you get a chance.

Hope you're all having a FABULOUS, wonderful evening!
XOXO

Leaving today! I think. Hopefully.

Well, today's the day we leave for L.A.! Unfortunately, Mother Nature has her period AGAIN, so we're just keeping our fingers crossed about flying out of Manchester even close to on time so that we can catch our connecting flight in Chicago. This morning my darling husband drove me to work in this:



Thankfully he and the boys made it safely home after dropping me at the office. The house is clean, laundry is done, fridge is stocked, & Jim has plenty of beer... I'M OUTTA HERE!

Of course, as I sit here at work I'm keeping an eye on the airport situation. As of right now, it's looking grim:



I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best! At the worst, Mala and I will have extra time at the airport to enjoy a few pre-flight cocktails. Oh, and get this... all we want is a little warmth & sunshine, right? Well, apparently SoCal is experiencing a record cold front moving down the coast from Alaska. I can almost hear the cosmos laughing at us now.

Since a few of you mentioned that you'd be scanning the police reports for our names next week (and honestly, I can't rule anything out), I thought it might be fun to take a little trip down Mug Shot Lane. A sort of cautionary tale, yes? Enjoy!

All of these pics are from TMZ.

Vanilla Ice, Ice, Baby

Word to your motha (if that word is, "Hey Mom, I need bail money.")

Snooki

Poof-less

Nicole Richie

Ah, Vicodin and weed on an empty stomach... breakfast of champions, eh Nicole?

Yasmeen Bleeth

Yikes. Meth is a powerful drug.

Nick Nolte

You can practically see the stink lines.

Hugh Grant

You'd look sheepish too if you were caught picking up a tranny!

John Mayer

I had no idea that it was illegal to be a douchebag! I think I have a few people to report....

The guy from Color Me Bad (whose name I'm not bothering to look up)

I wanna lock you up!

Mike Tyson

He may be crazy, but at least he's not crazy!

Lindsay Lohan

Just one of her many mugshots, but my personal favorite. Something about the glassy eyes & crusty upper lip just speaks to me.

Dawn Wells

Oh, Mary Ann.... The "P" in PTA stands for pot.

Haley Joel Osment

I see dead people... because I just hit them with my '96 Saturn station wagon while drunk and high. Oops.

My personal favorite: Rip Torn

Agent S for Sadz.

Okay, enjoy your weekends and stay safe, my peeps! I'll be talking to you on OSCAR SUNDAY, where I may end up wearing my woolen mittens. Sigh.

*AIR KISSES*
XOXO

La Bev Goes to L.A.

In two short days (not counting today) I will be leavin' on a jet plane with my BFF Mala for a brief vacay in La-La-Land. To say that I cannot wait is an understatement! I've been working very hard lately--generating more and more freelance writing work for myself every day AND still holding down my 30 hour/week office job, plus, you know, recovering from surprise surgery last week. So I really feel that I've earned a few lovely days of 70 degree weather, sunshine, good food, good friends, and booze. Delicious booze.

We've made plans to meet up with my dear friend from college, the lovely Maeghan. Maeghan recently moved to the L.A. area, and the last time we hung with her in NYC we had the best time! Can't wait to see what shenanigans we get up to on this trip.

Saturday night we're going to a party at the New Noir's Sunset Starlets Burlesque Club, complete with $25 top shelf open bar, something called cake balls, and famous starlet impersonators who may or may not be drag queens. We're kinda hoping that they are.



The first order of business, however, is a lunch date with the lovely Melissa, of cooking blog fame! We're really looking forward to meeting her. :) Later in the week I'm also meeting up with some of my oldest online friends, my Hestia gals. We are a small private online community of 65 or so members from all over the U.S. and world. I've met a lot of them over the years, and I can't wait to have a fun dinner with the four ladies who live in the L.A. area.

Of course, the main event has to be... *drum roll please*

THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

Yeah, baby. Even though our invitations must have gotten lost in the mail (damn you, USPS!), we managed to book a hotel that's so close to the Kodak Theatre, it's ridiculous.

The lobby of our hotel is basically right next to the rear entrance of the Theatre, so we'll be camping out on Sunday just in case any celebs want to skip the red carpet and go in the back way. Or, have a cigarette break, etc. You never know, and when stalking celebrities it's all about location, location, location!

Since we love you all, we might even do a little video blogging, live from the back door! Maeghan is going to be our special guest correspondent, so watch out! She's fabulous, dahlings.



Join us, won't you? Pull up a lawn chair and we'll pass you a virtual glass of Champagne Sparkling Wine. I've never attempted to live blog before, but hey, I'm okay with trying new things. Obvs.

Okay, enough of my jibba-jabba. I'll do my best to check in later this week before jetting off to the left coast. In the meantime, I have a ton of work to muck through in order to board that plane on Friday evening carrying ZERO STRESS on my shoulders.

Cheers!