Stats Gone Wild

Greetings and salutations! I thought it might be fun to do another post about the fun stuff Google Analytics digs up for me every month.  I don't check the stats all that often, but when I do I'm continually amused by some of the search terms that bring people here to the OOBH.  I also love looking at the maps and seeing how many people came from each state, country, etc.

Don't worry, stalkers, I can't tell who specifically visits from which state; it doesn't give me your name or anything.  However I know where some of you live (muahaha!) so I do find myself saying, for example, "Aw, Frank Irwin is one of my most devoted BOOBHs.  I just love that guy for always supporting me!"  :)   Conversely, that means I also say, "Huh, why doesn't so-and-so come visit much anymore?  Hope I haven't offended or worse, bored them!"  Because yes, I am annoyingly sensitive; probably too sensitive for this whole blogging endeavor, but fuck it.  I like doing it despite sometimes getting my feelings hurt.

So let's get on wid it!

Last month the OOBH saw a visitor from every state in the U.S. except for these four:

Wyoming - again.  WTF, Wyoming?

Iowa - Call me corny, (yuk, yuk) but it bummed me out that I had no visitors from Iowa.  I mean, what else is there to do there?  Come read my damn blog, will ya?

Maine - way to keep it New England, ya' mooseknuckles!

Rhode Island - Is neither a Rhode nor an Island.  Discuss.






We also had visitors from 24 different countries, including Sweden.  Sven, is that you?  (Hey, a girl can dream can't she?)

A big I LOVE YOU, MAN goes out to the great state of California - the #1 visiting state.  I knew I loved you, Cali!

My home state of New Hampster was numero dos.

And now on to the truly fun & disturbing part... the keyword searches!  90% of the keywords that bring people to the OOBH are simply, "outofbevshead," "oobh," or "bev's head."  It's the other 10% that provide endless insight into the scary people who use Google every day.  Here are some favorites:

fox hole strip club (so many hits for this... so. many.)
panty theft (hey, it happens)
embarrassing lactation stories (I haz them)
belly button removed (who needs 'em?)
my boobs into his head (indeed)
wacky water writer (at your service!)
why is it so hard to be Christian (He's Batman?)
alexander skarsgard sweden (yes, please!)
bad chatroulette moments (if you think masturbation is bad, then yes)
bagpipes I'll stand by you (okay)
bev flipping out jenni (yeah, fuck you, Jenni!)
bevtini (maybe just one)
boobs getting out of hand (they do that)
boobs bigger than my head (depends on whose head)
chatroulette penis (goes together like a horse & carriage)
eau d' twat boy and his mother and his sister (huh?)
emodisis (no, emo DAT is)
how to stew sour apples (beats me, but I'm all over stewing sour grapes)
jm panty sniffing (JM, that's disgusting!)
knullruff (aw, Sven!)
lactation muffins (sound delightful)
lactating boobs clothespin (OUCH!)
list of facebook pet peeves (Yes, I've got one!)
long duk dong can't be a doctor (I beg to differ)
mature ass munchers (let's not drag Larry King into this, ok?)
Mike129 Twitter (Oh, Mike129... someone is looooooooking for youuuuuuu!)
mil in real panties (instead of imaginary ones?)
plumpies in panties (I got nothin'.)
sour apple makes cats not pee (good to know. I guess.)
where should bev's breasts be (Ummmm)
your milk squirting stories are hilarious (Thanks!)

Ah, Google Stats - always entertaining!  Thanks to all of you who visit the OOBH, whatever your reasons.  I love you all, even the folks who stumbled across me while searching for pictures of lactating MILFs.  You rock!  

Don't Panic!

Hey there! What's shakin'?

All's well here today. Last night we had my husband's family over for a big lobster dinner, which was groovy. We all had a good time eating, drinking, and shooting the shite for several hours. It was through this shite-shooting that I found out that our security here at the OOBH has been breached.





Nobody panic!

*deep breaths*

Not panicking!


It seems that both of my sisters-in-law (hi, J & A!) have been known to swing by the OOBH on occasion. Apparently even my two BILs have glanced at it. I suddenly feel like I'm having that dream where you're naked in front of a room full of people.

It's all good, I don't mind. I've never made my blog a secret, per se, I just never really talked about it to family. My loyal readers will also note that I don't ever say anything bad about family or friends here, because I always knew this day would come. My sister and her husband both read the OOBH, so it's not like I was doing this on the down-low or anything.

But still.

When my MIL said, "You have a blog? How do I find it?" I replied, "You don't."

Sorry... but come on. Siblings are one thing, but I really would rather keep the seedier side of Bev away from parental units, ya know?

Dat's just how I roll, cuz.

I admit that I vacillate between this:


And this:



So no, nothing will change here. I won't edit myself or become self-aware. I started writing this blog because I love to write and I love to talk about silly crap like boobs and celebrities and celebrity's boobs, and that hasn't changed. In fact, since I've found an audience of like-minded pervs, I'm more hooked on blogging than ever!

I won't edit myself; I'll just continue to exercise restraint when it comes to talking about stuff that could potentially hurt someone's feelings.

Ok, so now ya' know. We now resume our regularly scheduled frivolity.



XOXO

They're all gonna laugh at you!

Good morning, my sweet, poo-flinging monkeys! Did you all have a good weekend?

I did, but I'm afraid it left me tired, bloated, and groggy. But enough about Lindsay Lohan - we'll get back to her in a minute.

I've been fighting off a cold for about a week now, so last night I took a PM cold tablet and I think I'm still struggling out of the murky depths of my sedation today. So writing this post should be fun. Wheeeeee!

Last Friday night on a whim I made a Facebook page for the OOBH, which was kind of a big deal for me. As my regulahs know I've been blogging here for a while now, but until now I never really told many people from my "real life" about the blog.

Out of Bev's Head

Promote Your Page Too

If you're not already a FOOBH on Facebook, what are you waiting for? Clicky, clicky, people!

The other night it occurred to me that I make no apologies for being a ridiculous potty humor-loving perv here on the OOBH, nor do I hide who I am IRL, so why not open up the blog to my world at large? Then I can post those nifty little blurbs on Facebook and get more eyeballs looking at my words, which makes me happy because I crave attention. I don't want to just post the OOBH blurbs to all 250 of my Facebook friends because... well, my mom's on there, and a few cousins, and some distant relatives who are far more religious than they are hilarious, if you know what I'm sayin'.

So I started a fan page and I hope you'll all join so we can be besties. I promise not to inundate you with posts. I am a good Facebook friend, I swear! References available upon request.



You observant types may have also noticed that the blogaroonie got a little work done over the weekend. A few people told me that the old design colors were hard to read and I'd had those fears as well, so I did a little nip here, a little tuck there, and voila! A face lift. Hope you likey.

Okay, enough bidness. I don't have much else to report except that Rockin' Ribfest was fun yesterday and I ate too much delicious food and drank too much delicious beer, hence the bloat. I'm back at work today and was considering faking a seizure to get myself out of here, but now I guess I'll tough it out somehow. It's almost lunch time, after all.

One last thing. I would like to propose that we ship Lindsay Lohan off to Texas indefinitely. After all, poor Chace Crawford was just enjoying some quiet time in the parking lot of a TX bar with a (totally-non-sexual, I'm sure) male friend last weekend when he got busted for possessing a single thin joint. Now he faces up to 6 months in jail. For a joint.




Yet Lohan, who has clearly been eating her feelings lately (NTTAWWT*), roams free in L.A. and doesn't even get in trouble when she violates her probation by publicly getting her drink on at an awards show... AND drunk-Tweets about it.



Just sayin'.

Have a groovy day, all!

*Not that there's anything wrong with that.

REMINDER: Fire up those scanners!

You know I never post on Sundays because I'm so religious I'm a lazy-ass, but today I'm making an exception so that I can remind you all to get me those Senior portraits!!

SHOW ME YOURS TOMORROW!!

Bonus points for posing with your pussy:



C'mon, you know you wanna play. :)

See ya' tomorrow!

The gift of the Mag-my

Not to be mistaken for "liquid-hot magmaaaaaa."

Well hellooooooo. You observant types might've noticed that I spruced the place up a bit. I got tired of my deep purple motif and decided to open the curtains and let in some light! I couldn't bring myself to do a holiday or winter theme, however, because I'm lazy and I know I won't feel like changing it again once the holidays and winter are over, so I went with classic bleu. I hope you all find it easy on your eyes. I'm not in love with it just yet, but maybe I'll tweak the colors later and see if it grows on me.

In other news, I finally figured out how to use my new custom domain name AND not disrupt the lives of my lovely bloggy buddies by making you change your reader subscriptions, etc. Turns out that you shouldn't follow the instructions that Blogger gives you AT ALL. Huh, who knew? I'm not a super geeky rockstar type when it comes to HTML but I'm no slouch either ("Don't sell yourself short, Judge. You're a tremendous slouch."). *Ahem*

So yesterday really pissed me off when I couldn't do what I wanted to do. I felt like a Grade A Moron. I had a rough day, and I needed a win.



After frowning at my laptop and scanning countless help forums for a solid two hours last night I finally sent a 9 PM cry for help to my new host company's tech support. Lo and behold, someone emailed me right back with step-by-step instructions and within 3 minutes I had accomplished my goal. It was a Christmas miracle, I tell you! Now my sweet peeps can do NUSSING but I still get to use a fancy new URL that's mine, all mine. HUZZAH! Bev: 1, Blogger: 0.

While I was at it I found this fun little website, so I played around a bit. Enjoy, and feel free to make your own at magmypic.





That's all I've got. Have a good one, all!
xoxo

Wrap it up, wrap it in, let me begin....

Hello, my gorgeous and intelligent readers! How was your weekend? I hope you all got to relax and spend quality time with your loved ones.

I have an important announcement to make: I figured out how to redirect the new url so none of your links will change and you don't have to do a thing. Yay - you know how I value laziness in all forms! So sit back, do nothing, and enjoy.

Now back to my regularly-scheduled shtuff.

On Friday I went to Target and spent a small fortune on gifts, finally. I got some good stuff but still have a long ways to go before I'm close to being finished. I'm not gonna stress over it, though. What gets bought gets bought and what doesn't, doesn't. BAH, HUMBUG! ;)

Saturday was very, very cold and windy. We started the day with me cleaning and the boys playing superheroes, which is pretty standard Saturday AM fare. M has discovered D's old Spiderman costume, which is a bit ripped and tattered. My favorite part is the ripped mask, which allows for just the right amount of faux-hawk to pop out.

M decided to keep poor Jim up for most of the night on Friday, so I took the boys out to give Jim a chance to catch up on some sleep. I had a lab appointment at my doctor's office and had to bring the boys with me, which was hectic. Thank goodness they're very quick and efficient at the lab so I could get in and out without the boys tearing down a drape and taking out some viles of blood or something equally disastrous!

Quote of the morning: "It's okay, baby. Mommy doesn't mind a little prick."

I kept the boys out of the house for as long as I could, but eventually we returned home and we had a nice fire, then Jim erected (heh heh) an 8 ft. tall inflatable Santa Claus that my mom got for the boys. We had shied away from it because of its extremely high cheese quotient, but once it was up we all had to admit that it kind of rocks. It's lit up and you can practically see it from space. Our neighbors had all gone Clark W. Griswold on us and have twinkling lights, garlands, candles and all that jazz, so now we finally look like we celebrate the holiday too, however cheesily.

On Saturday night we were invited over to the home of some new friends for dinner. Jim had gone skiing with this guy one time last year and had a good time, and for some reason we just never ended up getting together even though he called us several times asking to do stuff. Just goes to show you that I am Julie the Cruise Director (without the coke problem) on our Love Boat; I plan all the excursions. When you leave it up to the men it takes a full year to coordinate a dinner party.

They're a very nice couple, they have a huge, gorgeous home that makes ours feel about as luxurious as a double-wide, and our kids are the same ages and got along well. Turns out the dad is a bit of a wine snob, and while I'm not snobby in the slightest I do love to drinka de wine, so we got along just fine. He is a collector so for every bottle he opened the price of admission was listening to him wax poetic about the origin of the grapes and whatnot for 5-10 minutes. We just nodded appreciatively and ooohed and aaahed when necessary. Hey, as long as somebody is gonna keep opening $80 bottles of red, I'm all ears.

Quote of the evening: "This wine is opening up now. Do you taste the notes of oak and hazelnut?"

Me: "Yeah, sure." [glug glug glug]

It was a love connection for Jim and the guy and for our kids, who had a ball. I can hang with the mom too; she's a nice chick, but I don't see us being tight friends or anything. She's got that patented "MOM" look down-pat. She's my age, sure, but... well, we're just not much alike. I really don't want to be mean, so I'll stop now and let you all close your eyes and envision the frumpy-ness on your own. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Get the picture? Yeah, I thought you would. You guys are smaht like that.

I don't care how long I live, I will never just give up and embrace the frump like that. I am young and hip and THAT IS THAT, damn it!



Luckily one of my many talents is an ability to befriend and have a good time with just about anyone (especially when wine is involved), and Jim really needs some closer male friends and he has a lot in common with this guy. They went snowshoeing together on Sunday, too. I think it's man-lurve. ;)

Sunday was nice and quiet, just as I like 'em. We went and got our Christmas tree in the morning and then the kids and I stayed home while Jim went off into the woods with his new BFF. We just sat around and watched Christmas specials and played, and the day went by in a blur of Legos and cookies and Rudolph. We had a simple dinner and shuffled the boys off to bath/book/bed, and not a moment too soon.

Quote of the evening: "Life is not just broccoli and corn, Danny."

Did anyone see last night's season finale of Dexter?! HOLY CRAP! I won't spoil it, but... HOLY CRAP! Mind-blowing, am I right?!

Ok, that's all I've got. It's actually more than I thought I had, but you know me - once I get chatting, it's hard to slow my roll. Have a nice Monday, everyone!

Happy Blogaversary to me!

Because I suck at life, I missed my own one-year blogaversary. I kept thinking that I first sat down and started spilling on 8/15/08, but apparently, it was 8/12/08. OOOOPS.

Without further ado, let's commence to celebrating, shall we?

What's a party without cake?



and dancing?



and booze?



and strippers?



Yeah, baby! That's how we do it up in my 'hood! WOOOOOT!

All kidding aside, it has been quite a year. I've lost a lot in the past 12 months, but gained as well. I've made a lot of friends here: my bloggy buddies. Forty of you like me enough to put your cute little pictures up on my "Followers" list, and I appreciate every single one of you for that. Your comments make me laugh, make me teary, and always, always make my day. I can't imagine not sharing my life with you all, and not sharing yours through your blogs, comments, and emails.

I never could have imagined how important you'd all become to me when I sat down on a hot summer evening a year ago and started to pull things out of my ass head to present to the nameless, faceless blogosphere. Thank you all for reading. The Bev loves you all. :)

Now come over here and give me some sugar!

200th post FAIL!

I had every intention of putting up a wicked killah 200th post for you all, but here I sit with a fistful of boring blog ideas and one funny video I just came across on Fecesbook (thanks, Kerry!). Hello, Apathy. Come here often? Actually, yes.

I just couldn't think of a good theme for 200. I asked J and he pondered for about 5 seconds before scratching his chin thoughtfully and musing, "What would iCarly do?" Dink. Clearly, he was no help.

Anywhooooo, sorry it's not more thrilling, but I promise to come up with something fun for us to do on the big 1 year Blogaversary next month. Check out this story from The Onion news network. I am pretty sure I've attended this party. I think.


Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire

Hilar, am I right? I laughed.

In other news, I got an early b-day present yesterday! J got me a purple iPod Nano, which I love. It's adorable and practically indestructable, which are two things that electronics must be in order to survive in Bev's world. I am accident-prone. I break things. Maybe you've noticed this about me? No? Well, aren't you just the cutest?

Yes, you are. Have a good one!

Stay tuned....

I have a great post all written out about my chick date with Mala last night, but it's lacking a certain visual element at the moment. Yes, the photos & the videos. Had some technical difficulties last night, which continue today. Rest assured, it'll be a fun post, but it won't be up till tonight or tomorrow. I know you're all on the edge of your seats, but fear not! You'll get your daily dose of Bev-perversions (Beversions?) just as soon as I can get 'em out of this here camera thang.

"Of course...the files are IN the computer!"

For now, I will just say that I am shitfuck tired and ready to get some lunch. I haven't eaten since my pile of squid at dinner last night (you'll see), and I am about ready to gnaw through my desk.

Shine on, you crazy diamonds. Bev loves ya. :)

Well, I was gonna get all fancy pants

and change my blog template, but then everything got all effed up and I lost all my widgets & stuff, and I admit it, I panicked. So, now I'm back to the template I started with waaaay back in August, but I did change some colors & sizes to a more legible 12 point(ish) font, so I guess that's something.

Oh well. Maybe I'll get brave and gussy the place up later this week when I have another slow work day. :)

A Saturday programming note

Samsmama informed me that she was having trouble following the blog, so I've reluctantly added the box on the lower right to display my small but loyal fanbase. :) Although, I don't know why, but some of them aren't displaying? Malomatic, have you stopped following me? Was it something I said at dinner last night? Ha!


Anywhooooo, maybe now some of you awesome and intelligent readers (flattery will get you everywhere, eh?) will boost my ego by signing up to follow me so my little box doesn't look so sad & lonely. I know you're reading - I stalk you back with my tracking tools (heh heh, I said "tools"), so show me some LOVE!!!

Btw, due to the wackadoo Claymates, you have to sign in to leave me comments now. As you know, I LIVE for comments. It's sad, but true. So please don't be discouraged by not being able comment anonymously anymore, k?

Now that the business du jour has been taken care of, I'm going to go back to my Spring cleaning (this house was GROSS, y'all!) and watching my 5-year-old kick my ass on Rock Band guitar. The boy has serious skillz and is rapidly putting me to SHAME.

Have a good day! And don't forget to follow me! Wheeee!

It's not a blog, it's a blah-g

I am sorry that I have been boring this week. I just can't seem to think creatively and I feel like my brain's been idling in neutral for a while now. I'm happy enough, just... blaaaah. If I were a color, I'd be taupe.

I think I need a real live, actual vacation. Too bad the closest thing I'm getting to vacationing is flying to beautiful, scenic Philadelphia next week for my brother-in-law's wedding. With the kids. Not exactly what I'd call "relaxing" or "rejuvenating."

So, please bear with me. I'm sure I'll be back to normal (heh) soon enough. I'll keep you posted.

"I'm Dr. Butts, Dr. Seymour Butts...

I'm making my rounds, and I'm a little behind...."

(From The Simpsons, back when it was funny)

Ok, I'm not really a doctor (but I do play one on TV), but I am egregiously behind in just about all aspects of my life right now. It's as if I just awakened from some kind of bizarre fog and found my bills unpaid, my laundry undone, my parents & friends owed phone calls, and ZERO Christmas presents purchased even though we have just 21 short shopping days to work with.

EEEK!