Your Strongest Sense?

Of the five senses: taste, touch, smell, sight, hearing, which is your strongest? They say that everybody has one sense that's dominant. In my case, it's definitely my sense of smell.



My eyes suck -- I've worn some form of corrective lenses ever since I was 15 and failed the eye portion of my driving exam. When I finally got my first pair of glasses, I was shocked at how badly I had been seeing the world previously! Trees were just big green blobs; seeing details like leaves and bark was a new experience.

My other senses are all perfectly fine; my sense of smell is simply noteworthy because I can do crazy things with it. Seriously... it's practically bionic.

When I was in LA recently, my friends and I were standing on a street corner (shut up) talking, when all of the sudden I got a horrible whiff of dog poop. I wrinkled my face up and said, "Ugh!" but no one else smelled a thing. A minute later we noticed a police dog about half a mile away quietly copping a squat on the sidewalk. No lie.



I often smell things that no one else does, but that burning scent is totally normal, right?

Anyhoodle, that's my big claim to fame: I can smell a fish fart from fifty paces. I suppose it could be worse:

What about you? Which one of your senses is super?

Random is my MIDDLE name

Happy Tuesday!  How are you all today?  I'm groovy.  I'm just pluggin' along at work.  I've decided to do a good old-fashioned random blathering kind of post.  Why?  Why not, that's why.


It's 1-11-11 today.  Not that it means anything (to me, anyway), but it's still kinda cool.  Do we get to make a wish or something?

Is it me, or is EVERYONE in Hollywood pregnant right now?  Every day there's another report of a knocked-up starlet.

Natalie Portman (who apparently got biz with her mute ballerino costar from Black Swan).

Victoria Beckham, who is evidently trying to populate the world with handsome, mouse-voiced hottie soccer stars.  Now that's a project I can get on board with! 

Owen Wilson put a smoosh-nosed baby inside his girlfriend.

Jane Krakowski is pregnant but her 30 Rock character is not, which is a good thing because the idea of a pregnant Jenna scares me a bit.

Marion Cotillard and her French boyfriend have produced a beret-wearing, chain-smoking, wine-guzzling French fetus.  Oui!


One of the Kardashian assholes might be knocked up, but as part of my New Year's resolution I refuse to put up her picture or mention her by name.  I am shunning all things Kardashian and Jersey Shore; every time I find myself watching them I get irritated that they are rich and famous for doing absolutely NOTHING, so I've decided that watching them bad for my mental health.

In other news, I'm oddly pleased that Gwyneth Paltrow is flopping terribly in Country Strong.  I have not heard her sing, nor will I listen to any clips of her singing.  I don't want to know if she's a talented singer.  DO NOT WANT.


Michael Douglas beat his throat cancer!

YAHOO!  I don't care who it is, any time I hear that someone kicked cancer's sorry ass it's a WIN.  I fucking hate cancer, and Mike D. is okay by me.  He'll always be Jack "Trustworthy" Colton to me.

Turns out, 'Mericans don't want to watch Sarah Palin kill things.  Thank GOD.

Canceled!

My faith in the U.S. viewing public has been somewhat restored.

Cake releases their new album, Showroom of Compassion today.  Yay!

Nice auras.

We're expecting a big snow storm tonight, so hopefully tomorrow will find me sitting at home in pajamas with my kiddos while my husband hits the slopes.  I love it when a snow day coincides with my already-scheduled day off!  I find I don't dread storms at all when I don't have to drive anywhere and I've already received clearance to sit on my ass and do nothing.  Sweet, beautiful nothing.  Ahhhhh.

 After work I'm swinging by B&N to pick up this book, which I've heard is a great read even though it's technically Young Adult.  Hey, I'm down with YA!  No shame.  Good writing is good writing.

So that's enough random poo for one day.  Got anything on your minds?  Lay it on me!

Misc. Monday Stuff

Happy Monday, folks!   I'm not gonna lie to ya -- I'm dragging ass this morning.  It's a gray, drizzly day and all I want to do is go home and hide from the world, but I was a good girl and came to work despite my generalized malaise.  My crazy cat lady coworker was thrilled to see me, of course; she seems to view my presence in the office as proof that I'm dying to hear every waking thought and muscle movement she's had over the past 72 hours since we last spoke.

In reality, we all know that my presence in the office indicates nothing more than my desire to be paid so that I can buy myself that solid gold toilet I've always dreamed about.

My weekend was good, but nothing too outrageous.  On Friday night I went to dinner & a movie with Mala and we laughed our asses off for about five hours straight.  It was pretty awesome, even if we can't remember (or repeat) exactly what was so funny.  I'm sure it had something to do with the wine that was a'flowin' during dinner, but we were both also bringing our "A Games" with the witty repartee.

At one point we were talking about our plans to flee the East coast next February and she mentioned a good friend of ours who will be going on a mission to Haiti with her church group that month.  So M's gonna save babies and shit while Mala and I will be stalking celebrities and drinking our body weight in Appletinis... and that's just the trouble we have PLANNED.

I might have made a joke about how M will be rescuing orphans and I'll be *mumble mumble*  blowing homeless guys *mumble*, but that was just a joke, I swear!  Whatevs; it made Mala laugh so hard that she wished she'd brought along a change of underwear, so it was all in a day's work for La Bev.  *polishing fingernails on shirt*

We saw Social Network, which was really good and only made me feel yucky about using Facebook a little bit.  Okay, a lot, but I'm working through it.

Let's face it, if I shunned all technology that was created by bitter, entitled, mean-spirited, self-centered assholes I wouldn't be able to use any of it, now would I?

It was a really good movie, though - very entertaining.  I couldn't stop staring at the overly-botoxed area between Justin Timberlake's eyebrows, but I didn't let that stop me from enjoying his performance.  Much.

Other than that evening, the weekend was intentionally lame-o.  D had a friend over on Saturday so my focus was just making sure the boy left with the same number of digits he arrived with, and I spent Sunday cleaning out my walk-in closet and unearthing all sorts of crazy crap that I forgot I had.  Yes, I know, I lead a fascinating life!

So that's that.  What did you guys do?  Share with the group, please.  :)

I haz bad breff.

GAH. I'm a wreck today, folks! The time change yesterday really f'ed with my routine & kept my kids up way past their bedtime, so this morning we all overslept. I haven't set my alarm clock in almost seven years because my kids never sleep past 7 AM, so this morning when I woke up around 5-ish to more dark skies and the patter of rain on my window I rolled over and snuggled back into the blankets figuring the kids would be awake soon.

Well, not today. Today I cracked an eyelid open and saw that it was already 7:30 and we need to leave the house by 8:05, so I was a whirling dervish for the next 35 minutes. I mananged to get everyone up, fed, clothed, shod, and into the car on time, but now I'm sitting here with dripping wet hair, glasses instead of contacts, no caffeine coursing through my veins, and missing a rather crucial button on my pants. Oh, and the clincher is my bad breath, because I was so rushed I forgot to brush my teeth after leaping out of the shower in record time. BLECH!

But I made it to work, and only 20 minutes late! Yaaaaaay...?

First order of business (after I finish complaining and grossing you all out with my stank mouth) is to go next door to the grocery store and get myself coffee and a muffin and a travel-sized toothpaste/brush kit. Thank goodness my boss is not coming in today so I can take my time collecting my fuzzy thoughts. I also just MacGuyver'ed my pants with a paperclip, so I'm feeling a little more put-together already.

Other than my hectic morning, the weekend was fine. I had a killer migraine on Friday so I just came home and crashed, but Saturday the fam and I went shopping and bought my youngest his "big boy" bed. Then we had the Malas over for dinner and a movie, but it was pretty low-key. We basically just ate too much and then lay around like bloated ticks. Yeah, I know -- we are so hot! Try to keep up - we's outta control!

On Sunday I spent the day slipping in and out of consciousness. What? I've been overtired lately! It rained all day so everybody was a bit sluggish. We just watched movies, did laundry, napped, and grazed all day.

Since this post has been kind of a big fat turd, I'll reward you for reading it with the world's most boring music video. I've been listening to this song obsessively for two weeks now, but just now when I found the video to share with you I'll admit that it's kind of a stinker. But the song is cool, so ignore the zombie-like performance by the fugly band, okay?



So there it is. How were YOUR weekends? Do anything fun & exciting? SPILL.

Wrap it up, wrap it in, let me begin....

Hello, my gorgeous and intelligent readers! How was your weekend? I hope you all got to relax and spend quality time with your loved ones.

I have an important announcement to make: I figured out how to redirect the new url so none of your links will change and you don't have to do a thing. Yay - you know how I value laziness in all forms! So sit back, do nothing, and enjoy.

Now back to my regularly-scheduled shtuff.

On Friday I went to Target and spent a small fortune on gifts, finally. I got some good stuff but still have a long ways to go before I'm close to being finished. I'm not gonna stress over it, though. What gets bought gets bought and what doesn't, doesn't. BAH, HUMBUG! ;)

Saturday was very, very cold and windy. We started the day with me cleaning and the boys playing superheroes, which is pretty standard Saturday AM fare. M has discovered D's old Spiderman costume, which is a bit ripped and tattered. My favorite part is the ripped mask, which allows for just the right amount of faux-hawk to pop out.

M decided to keep poor Jim up for most of the night on Friday, so I took the boys out to give Jim a chance to catch up on some sleep. I had a lab appointment at my doctor's office and had to bring the boys with me, which was hectic. Thank goodness they're very quick and efficient at the lab so I could get in and out without the boys tearing down a drape and taking out some viles of blood or something equally disastrous!

Quote of the morning: "It's okay, baby. Mommy doesn't mind a little prick."

I kept the boys out of the house for as long as I could, but eventually we returned home and we had a nice fire, then Jim erected (heh heh) an 8 ft. tall inflatable Santa Claus that my mom got for the boys. We had shied away from it because of its extremely high cheese quotient, but once it was up we all had to admit that it kind of rocks. It's lit up and you can practically see it from space. Our neighbors had all gone Clark W. Griswold on us and have twinkling lights, garlands, candles and all that jazz, so now we finally look like we celebrate the holiday too, however cheesily.

On Saturday night we were invited over to the home of some new friends for dinner. Jim had gone skiing with this guy one time last year and had a good time, and for some reason we just never ended up getting together even though he called us several times asking to do stuff. Just goes to show you that I am Julie the Cruise Director (without the coke problem) on our Love Boat; I plan all the excursions. When you leave it up to the men it takes a full year to coordinate a dinner party.

They're a very nice couple, they have a huge, gorgeous home that makes ours feel about as luxurious as a double-wide, and our kids are the same ages and got along well. Turns out the dad is a bit of a wine snob, and while I'm not snobby in the slightest I do love to drinka de wine, so we got along just fine. He is a collector so for every bottle he opened the price of admission was listening to him wax poetic about the origin of the grapes and whatnot for 5-10 minutes. We just nodded appreciatively and ooohed and aaahed when necessary. Hey, as long as somebody is gonna keep opening $80 bottles of red, I'm all ears.

Quote of the evening: "This wine is opening up now. Do you taste the notes of oak and hazelnut?"

Me: "Yeah, sure." [glug glug glug]

It was a love connection for Jim and the guy and for our kids, who had a ball. I can hang with the mom too; she's a nice chick, but I don't see us being tight friends or anything. She's got that patented "MOM" look down-pat. She's my age, sure, but... well, we're just not much alike. I really don't want to be mean, so I'll stop now and let you all close your eyes and envision the frumpy-ness on your own. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Get the picture? Yeah, I thought you would. You guys are smaht like that.

I don't care how long I live, I will never just give up and embrace the frump like that. I am young and hip and THAT IS THAT, damn it!



Luckily one of my many talents is an ability to befriend and have a good time with just about anyone (especially when wine is involved), and Jim really needs some closer male friends and he has a lot in common with this guy. They went snowshoeing together on Sunday, too. I think it's man-lurve. ;)

Sunday was nice and quiet, just as I like 'em. We went and got our Christmas tree in the morning and then the kids and I stayed home while Jim went off into the woods with his new BFF. We just sat around and watched Christmas specials and played, and the day went by in a blur of Legos and cookies and Rudolph. We had a simple dinner and shuffled the boys off to bath/book/bed, and not a moment too soon.

Quote of the evening: "Life is not just broccoli and corn, Danny."

Did anyone see last night's season finale of Dexter?! HOLY CRAP! I won't spoil it, but... HOLY CRAP! Mind-blowing, am I right?!

Ok, that's all I've got. It's actually more than I thought I had, but you know me - once I get chatting, it's hard to slow my roll. Have a nice Monday, everyone!

I don't feel like bloggin'

I've got a Scissor Sisters song stuck in my head this morning because I'll admit it: I don't feel like blogging. Go ahead and play this tune while you read this mess, just substitute "bloggin'" for "dancin'."

I admit that I feel compelled to write something for you, my faithful and lovable peeps. If you were here right now I'd ruffle your ragamuffin hair and pinch your rosy cheeks (both sets) because I love you so. But I still don't feel like bloggin'.

What's a girl to do? I'll just give you a brain dump and hope you like it, of course! Here goes.

It's finally winter. It snowed about 9" or so at my house yesterday so school was canceled and we had a rather lazy day. Jim made Bloody Marys and we watched the newest Harry Potter movie with the kiddos, then I took a long hot shower and he snowblowed (snowblew? That just sounds wrong) the driveway. Last night we went over to our friends' house for a casual dinner, mostly because cabin fever was setting in and I didn't feel like cooking. In other news, I finally put some bad-ass snow tires on the Odyssexy, so hopefully I can avoid hitting any more trees this winter. Fingers crossed!

My doctor has me on a truly awful diet right now to prep for a thyroid test I'm having next week, so I'm a little cranky. It seems that even though I typically limit crunchy, salty, chocolatey snacks simply because they're fattening, when I'm told I absolutely cannot have them, naturally they're all I want. Oh well, it's not like it's the holiday season right now and there are yummy treats everywhere I look. Oh wait, yes it is! FML! Ah well, it's temporary and it's not like I couldn't stand to lose a few, so I'm keeping the ol' chin up.

Speaking of Christmas, I've been slacking off on buying gifts this year. No, really, I've only bought two things. I'm just having a hard time getting into the spirit this year. I don't want anything myself, and no one on my list has been outspoken about what they want, so I'm just going to sit down and hit Amazon hard this weekend and hope I get something right. I'm unapologetically apathetic, but hopefully getting the tree this weekend and decking the halls a little bit more will help me get into the swing of things!

I am already looking forward to New Year's Eve though, and not just because I can't wait to kick 2009 to the curb like the disease-infested whore that it is. What? I had a rough year. I am ready for a fresh start, and 2010 seems like a darn good time to get one.

I had a fun little auto-tune video for you to watch, but some sort of copyright infringment made them take it down. BOO. And MEH. BOO-MEH.

Oh! Just found it somewhere else online, and this one seems to work. Enjoy it while you can!



Ok, that's all I got.
Later, taters. (mmm, taters... I want tater chips, or french fried p'taters. CRAP!)

Misery, thy name is Monday

Sorry I've been a bit absent lately. I have no real excuse for not blogging these past few days except that I've got a head cold and work has been issuing daily beatings in the form of irate clients and cantankerous coworkers.

My weekend was pretty good, but boring. D won first place in the Cub Scouts soap box derby, so it was a proud day in the Bevtastic household.

<---- "I piss excellence."

His prize was a $15 Walmart gift card which immediately started burning a hole in his pocket, so J took him there to exchange it for an Indiana Jones Lego kit and some candy. The thing about my kid is that sugar hits him exactly as I suspect crack cocaine might hit him; within a minute or so of consumption his eyes start darting back and forth and he gets really spazzy. In fact he acts kind of like a dog who is chasing his tail, except with more noise and less slobbering. Well, usually less slobbering.

What else? Hmmm.... Okay, two little things about my crap job that are both irritating and cracking me up today. The first is that my boss is in the hospital suffering from kidney stones, poor fellow -- I've heard they're terribly painful -- so I'm manning the fort here with just my crazy cat lady coworker. As usual she is jabbering at me even as I write this blog post. Hard to believe, right? I'm THAT good at ignoring her! It has taken me 6 years to perfect my aura of impenetrable calmness, but I think it was worth the effort.

Anyway, boss called me a few hours ago all doped up on morphine and tried to work through his haze, because heaven forbid he just take the freaking day off once in a while. It must be hard to be so indispensable, but I honestly wouldn't know. ;) He tried to give me a few instructions for some client work that needs to be done, and those instructions went a little something like this:

1. Sell all of Client McStinkypants' Chevron stock. It's in one of her accounts.

2. Call Client Dingleberry and tell them mumble-mumble-money-eat-paste-mumble.

3. I got that check from Client Golddigger on Saturday, but I'm sorry I don't remember where it is. Maybe my briefcase? Or on my desk? Maybe on the floor of my car? Can you find it because it's for $90,000 and we should probably overnight it to the home office. (I can't find it, btw)

After that fun conversation I got to talk to a certifiably crazy woman who recently inherited $5,000 and you'd think that if she didn't get that money yesterday that the world was coming to an end. Now, over the course of my strange little life I have talked to some incredibly stoned people who made far more sense than she did, so frankly I wonder what she is on. I wish I had some of whatever it is, 'cause that must be some good shit! Talking to her got me all agitated and made me see red for a while I admit, but then I pictured her wearing a tinfoil hat and eating a corn dog and I felt better. It's the little things, you know?



So that's what's going on with me! How are all my paz-eeps today? Good, I hope! I need to go eat something before I gnaw through my desk like a wee little beaver. Yeah, I said beaver. Ya heard me.

Festivus is early this year!

It's not even December, but it's already Festivus for the rest of us!



How else can I explain this Airing of Grievances? Get out the aluminum pole and limber up for the Feats of Strength, people, 'cause here it comes.

First of all, Gmail is spying on me.

Stop looking at me like that! I know it sounds paranoid, but Gmail is freaking me out lately. You know how they have those keyword generated ads along the right column of the page? I find them so intrusive, don't you? Just now, for instance, I was tapping out an email in which I called something or someone a pain in the neck. Next time I glanced over Gmail had helpfully suggested several cures for neck pain and a few chiropractors in and around my city. On occasion I've been known to pen a dirty email or ten (shut up) and you would not believe the smut Gmail slams me with during those instances. Buncha pervs! Gmail needs to mind their beeswax, I say.

My kid got sent home sick today. Again.

Yet he doesn't act sick at all. In fact, he's quite energetic and annoying. He doesn't lie around, glassy-eyed with fever, quietly sipping juice and calling me "Mother Dear," he bounces around touching everything and making constant, irritating, grate-on-your-nerves noise! He's not one of these kids who loses his appetite either; nope, he's asking me for things to eat every 5 minutes only to eat two bites of it and say he's full. For this, I keep missing work! Not that I'm missing it, but that's beside the point. I'm bored at home, simple as that.

I still don't know what I'm allergic to.

Sure, the rash is gone, and I'm reallyreallyreally glad about that. But why must my left eye keep swelling?! It's like all of the mystery whatever-it-was has all landed there in one eye. This morning I woke up feeling pretty darn good; after all, I was home with my kid all day yesterday and managed to sneak in a 2 hour nap while he played Wii! It wasn't until I glanced at myself in the bathroom mirror and saw that I resembled Rocky Balboa after going a few rounds with Apollo Creed that my spirits took a nosedive. Also, I think I'm developing some sort of dependency on Benedryl and Zyrtec.

On a related note, the Google image search results for "swollen eye" are terrifying.

Daycare centers suck.

There's this woman at the daycare whom we privately refer to as the Chicken Lady. She has yellow hair and bulgy, bloodshot eyes, she's skinny and has a prominent Adam's Apple and a beak-like nose. She clearly earned the nickname by virtue of her looks alone, but we'd never have started calling her that had she not also been a raging biotch as well. She's one of these drill Sargent types who takes no guff and has the children marching in little lines. Our oldest son toughed out a year under her reign last year for Kindergarten and we thought that would be the extent of it now that he goes to the public elementary school. As it turns out, he still has to deal with her in the after school program.

Lately she has been nitpicking every little thing the kid does and making a federal case out of it when my husband goes in to pick him up in the afternoons. Jim started to dread pick-ups because it was always something: D stood up before the bus came to a complete stop and angered the driver! D and his friends licked their hands and laughed about it! D and his little friend were talking about *gasp* their weiners! Sounds like typical 6 year-old-boy stuff, right? That's what we thought too! But no, everything is a huuuuuuge deal to the Chicken Lady.

Well, yesterday the shit hit the fan and she managed to anger my mild mannered professor/hey-man-it's-cool hippy of a husband so much that he actually yelled back at her. Yeah, The Jim yelled back! Definitely a first. So now we have to go have a conference with the owner of the daycare and the Chicken Lady, but the long & the short of it is that Jim told her to stop treating him like a child and she told him to stop blowing her off when she tells him all about what is "wrong" with our kid. Really productive. The good news is she kissed my ass thoroughly this morning, so now I get to be the sensible, reasonable parent in the equation instead of the one who is usually overly-sensitive to the fall-out caused by their banal little microcosmic existence.

So there they are, my grievances. You'd think I would feel better, but not so much. Maybe after the Feats of Strength? Come on, who's gonna try to pin me first? I'm all kinds of irritated right now, so I'm pretty sure I can take all y'all! ;)

That's not the only thing in his closet

Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Maybe some of you are familiar with the talent-free-but-beautiful phenomenon known as Shakira, she of the synthesized vocal tracks and freakily-flexible spine. Recently the pocket-sized Columbian made a completely idiotic music video for her song, "She Wolf," in which she gyrates and writhes around in a metal cage for almost 4 minutes while wearing a flesh-colored body suit. I know, I know, I had you at Shakira writhing in a unitard, right? Well, it gets better - some college kid redid it move-for-move and put it up on YouTube. Yeah, you're welcome.

The original is here, if you must.

Hilarity, the floor is yours!



Work it, brotha!

What else is new? Let's do a listy-poo, shall we?

1. The weather report is calling for the first Nor'Easter of the season tonight/tomorrow, which is early. I usually count on snow by Halloween. I am SO not ready for winter; I haven't arranged to have my show tires put on yet. Those buggers are expensive. *sigh*

2. Adding to the money hemorrhage at casa de Bev: our hot water heater conked out last night, so the plumber is coming today to install a new one. Fan-friggin-tastic, I say.

3. 30 Rock returns tonight! YAY! Love that show, and not just because I want to shrink Liz Lemon/Tina Fey down and put her in my pocket so she can make me laugh whenever I want. Ok, it's mostly for that reason, but also because I can't get enough of Jack Donaughey/Alec Baldwin.

4. Modern Family is the best new show on television this season. Please watch it -- I'm sick of having all of my favorite shows get Arrested Development-ed. It's on Wednesday nights at 9 on ABC - set those DVRs! You will laugh, I promise.

5. Hey look, it's a talking dog.



The end is my favorite part, when Mischa's all, "HOOOOOOOOOWL, now leave me alone, bitches!"

By the way, this dog looks exactly like one my college roommate had, and that Husky was a real pain in the arse. One time the dog ate a tampon & my friend had to pull it out of her butt while on a walk through the campus green. True story.

ANYWHO. Hope you all have a pleasant and drama-free Thursday!

Why the frak did I know that?

Do you ever blurt out an answer to some ridiculous trivia question and then find yourself wondering when your brain became cluttered with so much worthless knowledge? I do.

Just now someone in my office made a comment about dancing at a big Irish wedding he'd attended last weekend, and I made a sarcastic humorous comment about how he must have looked like the Lord of the Dance. He stared at me blankly because I work with a bunch of boring asswads who don't get my jokes (ever!), and I said, "You know, Michael Flatley? The Lord of the Dance?" I held my arms over my head and chair-danced a little Irish jig for effect.

Still nothin'.

Now, I've never once SEEN Riverdance with my own eyes, and I certainly couldn't pick Michael Flatley out of a famous Irishman line-up*, yet I know his name and what he's famous for, and can even mimic his famous dancing style on cue. What the damn? What ELSE is in this noggin that I have no business knowing?

* For the record, my Famous Irishman line-up would look something like this:


(edited for El Frankerino)

To sum up, my brain is filled with worthless crap, I'm in a bad mood today, people are very disappointing creatures, and I need a hug & a big glass of wine. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. (OW! I didn't mean literally!)

I'm not lovin' that!

Today there's an article floating around (har-de-har-har) online about how we greedy humans have almost depleted the supply of this charming little fishy, called a hoki. Hokis live in the deep waters off of New Zealand, and were thought to be quite plentiful until recently. Apparently, every time you've ever indulged in the greasy fried goodness known as the Filet O'Fish sandwich at McDonald's you've been eating one of these little buggers. Who knew?

"The hoki lives in inky darkness about a half-mile down and grows to more than four feet long, its body ending in a sinuous tail of great length. Large eyes give the fish a startled look."

Yum, right? As if I needed another reason to never eat at McD's.

In other fish news, did y'all hear about the sharks off of Cape Cod? Yes, folks, this is why I don't like swimming in the ocean. Everyone likes to say that our waters are too cold up here in the Nawth to get the big biting fishies, but guess what? Cape Cod is pretty mothafuckin' close. All of the beaches down in MA are closed and they've tagged at least 6 Great Whites this week, ranging in length from 6 to 15 feet. FIFTEEN FOOT SHARKS OFF THE COAST OF MA? Fuck that shit! I don't think I'll ever dip a toe in the Atlantic again!

Of course all of this shark talk makes me think of this:

Land Shark | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

which is probably better than thinking about this:



Sharks: they're scary as hell, even without frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads.

That is all.

A b-day shout-out, plus: it's not a tumah!

First things first. Today is a special day! It's Cary's birthday! YAY! I wouldn't even know many of you if it weren't for his hilarious blog, so I'm grateful to him for introducing us. Plus, he's just a righteous dude, am I right? (uh yeah, I'm right!) Courtney already got him a cake, so I'm gonna go ahead and send the stripper over on behalf of all of us, mkay? Don't worry - I put all of your names on the card, so you're covered.

Mr. TheDay, you're under arrest... for being AWESOME!

Seriously, happy birthday, buddy! Hope it's a great one.

I feel so weird today. First of all, I've been sitting here all day thinking, "Maybe I should make a blog post," but haven't had much to say, so I didn't bother. Not that having nothing to say has ever stopped me before, but today I was just more apathetic than usual.

So let me tell you about how weird I feel so you can laugh at me, 'cause that's fun for everyone!

I've got a headache, a neck ache, and a stomach ache. I honestly feel like I am both hungry and full right now, which is kinda freaking me out. My bod doesn't know whether it's coming (I wish!) or going (not that I do that).

I'm pretty sure I'm coming down with either Swine Flu or EEE, but no biggie. Ha ha. Hypochondriac? MOI? Eff you, dude. I grew up with one of those and I'm probably the furthest thing from being one as a result. I hope. (feeling glands)

In the olden days (approx. two years ago) I would have Googled my symptoms and convinced myself that I had Meningitis or some crap. I don't do that anymore because the last time something was wrong with a loved one, I went to Dr. Google and proceeded to work myself into a state of hysteria for a solid week. It turned out to be nothing, and I felt like a genius when all was said & done. Take my advice on that one - step away from the search engine when it comes to medical info!

Alrighty, I think I'm done complaining and shmoozing for the time being. Hope you're all having a lovely day. Especially you, B-day boy!

"Weak"end in review

Hellooooo... la la laaaaaa.

No, I'm not drunk. I just ate lunch so now I'm on some kind of weird food buzz, which is what happens when I go for a long time without eating. Soon, I'll crash and burn and start drooling on my keyboard, but just a little. Hurray for Mondays!

Hope everyone had a nice weekend. Mine was decent.

Friday night, my good friend Laurie came home from her month-long vacay in FL. Yeah, she's tan. Yeah, she's still a super awesome chick. Yeah, I DIG HER. I was too busy laughing and philosophizing with her to take any pictures, but thanks to the magic of Google Images, here's what we did Friday night. There was bad lighting at the restaurant, so we looked like extras from the Thriller video in the two cell pics I did snap. Use your imaginations:






Danny had a virgin strawberry daiquiri at the restaurant, also known as a Sugar BOMB. So, I spent a lot of time chasing the children:

Then, we were tired, so we went home and crashed:


A good time was had by all.

Saturday, Jim was burned-out from watching the kids, so I sent him off into the woods for some manly hiking time. Meanwhile, I took the kids to the beach. We lasted about 45 minutes before Danny got a few lung-fulls of water while using his snorkel and mask, so we had to leave. It was kind of scary, even though I was standing just a few feet away from him the whole time. He was shaken up, and I can't keep the little guy OUT of the water, so it was just too crazy. I dragged my sullen 6-year-old and my screaming almost-2-year-old back to the car and back to the relative safety of our house. The next day, I went out and bought them both life vests.

Sunday we went to Vermont and helped my mom clean out some nasty stuff from the carport. It wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be, and Mom was in a good mood, so the work went quickly. We went out to dinner after, and my salmon was wicked good, dood. Then we came home and I watched True Blood, so all's well that ends well.

Hmmm, that was quite boring. I apologize. They can't all be weiners! The worst thing is that last night while I was sleeping, I distinctly remember rolling over and having a brilliant idea for a blog post. I thought, "Wow, that would be a great post! I have to remember that!" And now, here I am, sitting down to write and I got nothin'. Then again, I could have been dreaming about something totally odd and random, and my brilliant idea could have been about asparagus or something.

The world may never know.